On Saturday, April 11th, 2009, the 3rd annual Lacrosse for Life benefit game between De La Salle and Saint Ignatius will be played on the De La Salle field in Concord. Saint Ignatius is currently the top-ranked team in Northern California while De La Salle is hard on their heels, ranked second.

A brief article about this game, Lacrosse for LIFE and Josh Miller can be seen on the
Nor Cal Lax Forum at the following URL:

http://www.norcallaxforum.com/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=2457#p28749

Josh Miller's ideals, principles, and values live on in this game.

Thinking of you, Josh.

Bill Welty
April 8, 2009

Spills

I miss you bro. Brownie reminded me of the LFL event coming up and all I can think of is you. We had a truly special bond - equal parts spoken and unspoken. So many conversations on another level when all of the chatter around us was elsewhere. Your intellect, insight, and tenacity still inspire me. I think of you often, my friend. I miss you bro.

Matty
February 16, 2009

Hey ya'll. Fellow team mates, coaches, parents, and other supporters of BullDog Lacrosse...It's been a while since I've seen any of my old close friends, team-mates, coaches and parents since the first BullDog team. Untill I came across this web-site a while ago. My name is David Howell-Stewart #3 of the first historic BullDog season.

I am honestly crushed by this situation, here goes another person I have to learn to let go...But what can I say, he's made it through those Heavenly gates in my eyes. "Coach Josh Miller", I see you've made your American Dream or better yet your LIFE dream. Through all the great dedication you put in, not only for yourself but also the mind, body, and spirt of us young and dumb players during the first season and of course present and future players. You and coach Andrew McDonald have changed our outlook on our lives, We have learned and still are in the proccess of learning to better ourselves as people in this world and I'm speaking for everyone, 1st team-present BullDogs. I'm infatuated by the work you've done to show us that we are somebody and yes we can make a difference. Now I'm going to make part of that difference in the AirForce fairly soon...Thank you Coach Josh Miller, you won't be forgotten...plus the sky needed another star! Hope to see you up there 1 day... lol...I still have your Lacrosse stick...and I'm still playing from time to time.

Old team mates, coaches, it would be great if you would like to contact me...
It would be good to hear from any of you....Darryl, Greg, Harold etc.
Email: stewart_david88@yahoo.com Cell (415)260-8773

February 3, 2009

Josh -

It broke my heart when I heard the news about your passing. Although I didn't know you that well, I remember so clearly your bright spirit and your wonderful big smile. In our one year together on the team I feel like I got a sense of you, even from a distance -- your warmth, your soulfullness, your concern for other people. It saddens me that you're gone, but what a legacy you've left behind. We all need examples of large-heartedness. Thank you for being one for me.

Moses
October 29, 2008

Cool site.
August 11, 2008

Spillsy,

I just wanted to say hello and say I miss you and think about the great times we shared together. Always thinking of and remembering you.

-Chi Chi
June 17, 2008

Josh -

What is there to say that hasn't been said? What is there left to feel? As time goes on, I can only fiercely hold on to hope, and without fail, this gamble is rewarded.

I went to DeMarea's high school graduation last week - remember when he was a tiny 5th grader who struggled with the responsibility of being a leader? He's the only one of his neighborhood friends to finish high school...I'm going to be able to hire him this summer, thanks to a grant we received. Ronnie's gone, but you'd love Larry - he's such a straight shooter. And Joe retires this year - typical city politics, they're not replacing him, leaving the center short a staff member.

The list is long of your friends, and strangers, who are committed to honoring your efforts to give the oft-forgotten a chance. If I tried to list them, I might miss someone; suffice it to say both coasts represent and there are probably a few who would surprise you (cough). I know you'd be outwardly disgusted but inwardly pleased that your parents give the Coach Miller Trophy - it's a way for us to keep your presence near as each new crop of kids arrives in February - it helps them know you and THEIR place in your dreams...

Anyway, you know the rest.
Love,

Jo
June 16, 2008

I give you this one thought to keep
I am with you still
I do not sleep

I am a thousand winds that blow
I am the diamond glints in snow
I am the sunlight on ripened grain
I am the gentle autumn rain

When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight
I am the soft stars
that shine at night

Do not think of me as gone
I am with you still
in each new dawn
---Author Unknown---

Josh Miller December 13, 1972-June 16, 2005

josh, it is June 16.

"Wherever i go, I walk with his shadow on my being. I am clothed in coloration not visible to the naked eye. It casts an unexpected shadow on how I carry myself as I journey through this life.

It clouds my way of looking at things, forces perspectives which I didn't know were part of my psyche. The shade of gray through which I now view things absorbs some of the radiances which I experience.

Yet the shadow comes not from the valley of death, but from my child being closer to the light."

Compassionate Friends Atlanta, E Kuzela

love you forever, beloved son,
mom and dad, sherry and ed miller
June 16, 2008

Spills,

I opened my drawer and saw your photo the other day. I wanted to give you a shout. I wanted to tell you I miss you. I wanted to let you know that I think about your life, your sense of humor, your sarcasm and I miss it. I miss it all and feel (and probably always will) a sense of loss without you around. This feeling comes the strongest in June, when I first had to say goodbye.

Considering it's June, I just wanted to say hello...

t

Taylor Simmers
June 14, 2008

It's December and your spirit is strong. Politics, movies, music, books....Starbucks vs. Peets. So much we want to talk to you about...but we can still do that, right?

..... Dad and I just finished reading OWEN MEANY.......that will be with us a long time.
Love you and miss you so so much. Mom and Dad.

December 8, 2007

Hey Coach
Still getting follow up calls from D Brewster--this time to check on camp. Your lessons stuck. Had a very rewarding day a few weeks ago watching Brewster,Ellis, and Wooten in their final game as seniors. An Ellis to Brewster goal in the 4th would have had you smiling (smirking..). But what was even more impressive was hearing about Harold's decision to leave the confort zone and go to Tuskegee College back East and Darryl explaining his business idea for an entrepreneurship competition.

We all miss you bud
-Coach Mac
June 17, 2007

Today is almost over - it's a day that has loomed on my calendar all year, turning into bold letters in May; bold and italic last week. It marks the fact that 2 years have passed since my dear friend Josh ended his life after a long and painful struggle with mental illness.  This is a different sort of anguish, of injustice, than say, "after a long and painful struggle with cancer".

At first, it seemed to make sense to feel relief that "he's not in any pain".  And that is true.  But soon after that thought came the next, "But I am in pain!".  And then the guilt of my pain being less than his pain and it of course not being about me or his friends and family, it being about the illness, about the need for his pain to stop.  The word-for-word playback of our last conversation.  The re-reading of emails and letters.

The Illness was a decent, needed distraction.  I bought and read every book on suicide, loss, grief, mental illness, etc. that Amazon sold.  They started offering me those deals, "Buy 'Suddenly Alone' and 'Why Suicide' together for a special price!"  Reading each night became a small project that I knew I could and would do and partitioned off some grief time.  If I could UNDERSTAND it, then it would be OK. 

Really what that translated to was, "I can make it undone."  I'm a smart person, well-educated.  A wicked Scrabble player, in fact:  I beat Josh once in Scrabble, and for those that know him, that's quite a claim to fame in "smart-dom". Intellectually I do not dispute that his physical absence is permanent, that there won't be a random email in my inbox, a poorly-sung Happy Birthday on my voice mail, a scribbled Christmas card in December.  There are no more heated debates about Daisy Buchanan or Holden Caulfield or Marlon Brando.  I can only surmise his thoughts on newly-published books or films - I leave politics alone as given the current climate, I know he would rant and rave, but I'm not exactly sure on what or whom...yet despite this intellectual certainty, there perversely thrives this attempt to make/allow time to pass backward.

I didn't realize that time could actually be felt in segments less than one second until I got on that plane for home en route to his funeral.  FUNERAL.  What???  My body registered millisecond after millisecond through that 5 hr flight:  not a millisecond went by that I did not think of "this", of him, of why, of how (God, of how and then I would be sick).  And the time that has passed since that call from his father has stamped millisecond after millisecond on my life's passport and at some point that turned to seconds...minutes.  It was certainly months, maybe a year, before a whole hour went by without a clear memory or thought or sharp intake of breath.

But "it" will never go away in the same way that he will never come back.  (Would he, if he could?). There is an ache in my center that is just there, now. Sometimes, the ache lessens, and I smile as if at a private joke, (for that's what it is) like when I saw two blue dragonflies playing chase at the golf course last week.  Sometimes, it sinks me like a stone, and I claw my way through slimy seaweeds to the surface for air.

It is trite and rude when someone says, "Well, you still have the memories."  The memories are comforting but also haunting.  They confuse me when I am sleeping and wake up with a dream hangover, not able to identify the sluggish ache until I finally remember that my dream is not reality.  We did not walk in Dolores Park or play catch on the slanted field; that was years ago.

In the same way that he will not come back, and the ache will not leave, it is as though he has not left.  I would not be the person I am had our paths not crossed, and so in that indelible way he continues my walk with me.  It is not the same.  It is not good enough.  It just is.
Jo
June 16, 2007

Year 6 is about to start - can you believe it? Wireless at the playground? What?? Step by step, it's all we can do...we'll get to Burton yet. - J.
January 12, 2007

Josh-
Hope you're in a place where each day is filled with sunshine and lacrosse is always "in-season."
Sending good wishes from Richmond Lacrosse Academy.
February 16, 2006

You kept me up last night....were you having trouble sleeping as well?
p.f.
February 7, 2006

We want to thank the planning committee for their hard work to "Give Josh an Assist" -- the Benefit given in his honor in New York last week to help Lacrosse for LIFE---the program he founded along with Andrew McDonald and Johanna Thomashefski to teach kids about lacrosse and life in the San Francisco area. We were able to remember Josh with his friends and their families, high school and college classmates, team members and college coaches. It was an evening that Josh would have enjoyed. Thanks also to those who could not be with us, but who made a donation to Lacrosse for LIFE. To all those who supported the event, you have helped to make a difference and assist in the successful course of young lives. As Josh said, "opening doors to new experiences for kids was a huge reward" and a way of giving back to the sport that had given him so much. With your support Lacrosse for LIFE will be able to continue changing and helping young people.

On a personal note we love you all and though we are completely devastated, we thank you for your cards and letters and support for us and for Josh. Warmest regards, Sherry and Ed Miller
October 25, 2005

Josh -

It's been so busy! I am constantly reminded of our first year of meetings whenever Andy & Brownie & I get together-we joke about how you would smirk if you were with us during our discussions. It makes us smile, remembering & understanding that part of you.

You would be psyched about some of the new peeps joining up; thanks for the nudging on that one. And I feel you looking over my shoulder whenever I open the mail so I've heard your inimitable "YES!!!" in recent weeks. How about Kevin's score in recruiting with the football coaches? That is AWESOME! But, you know, you could lend us a hand with the Burton field; we are pushing hard for it & would love to make that dream of yours happen.

I'm heading back East again soon; the 20th is looming ahead of me. It will be good to be among so many people who love you, but could you help me anyway?

Anyway, hope you're hanging in there without us. We miss you.

J.
October 5, 2005

I've been meaning to write something since I had this dream which was back in early August. I've thought a lot about Josh and even though I barely knew him, for months i've not been able to get him out of my brain. I'm looking at a lot of things differently and realizing how easily we can dissapear. Josh is the first person i've known to pass on so it has been hard. I enjoyed working with him the times that I did. He was a cool and extremely intellegent guy. So back to the dream. Josh walked into this dormroom where I was talking with somebody and he sat down on the bed behind me. He had a blue and red shirt and pants on to match these blue and red shoes that he always wore to work. I didn't say anything to him but he was talking with my friend and my friend asked him where he had been and he said "I've been here". I turned around and gave him a giant hug and then he got up and walked out of the room and into an elevator outside the door. I remember running down the emergency stairwell to meet him getting out of the elevator to see if he was still there. The elevator was open and so I ran outside. I saw him walking down the street until he dissapeared into the distance.

October 3, 2005

"Where the needs of the world and your talents cross, there lies your vocation."

- Aristotle

Sept 30, 2005

For Josh:

PRECOGNITION
---Margaret Atwood

Living backwards means only
I must suffer everything twice.
Those picnics were already loss:
with the dragonflies and the clear streams halfway.

What good did it do me to know
how far along you would come with me
and when you would return?
By yourself, to a life you call daily.

You did not consider me a soul
but a landscape, not even one
I recognize as mine, but foreign
and rich in curios:
an egg of blue marble,
a dried pod,
a clay goddess you picked up at a stall
somewhere among the dun and dust-green
hills and bronze-hot
sun and the odd shadows,

not knowing what would be protection,
or even the need for it then.

I wake in the early dawn and there is the roadway
shattered, and the glass and blood,
from an intersection that has happened
already, though I can't say when.
Simply that it will happen.

What could I tell you now that would keep you
safe or warn you?
What good would it do?
Live and be happy.

I would rather cut myself loose
from time, shave off my hair
and stand at a crossroads
with a wooden bowl, throwing
myself on the dubious mercy
of the present, which is innocent
and forgetful and hits the eye bare

and without words and without even love
than do this mourning over.
Sept 16 , 2005

I never met Josh, but only know of him through what he created with Lacrosse for L.I.F.E. My son joined the Palega Bulldogs two years ago, and through lacrosse, he has learned so much, and had so much fun. There is so much injustice in this world, and through Hurricane Katrina these past few weeks, we've seen some pretty vivid images of how social and economic injustice plays itself out in our country. Josh was aware of that injustice, and took action to make a difference in the world. He did make a huge difference in the lives of many kids, and their families, through lacrosse, giving middle school kids an opportunity to learn about leadership, integrity, friendship and education, by having fun, playing lacrosse.

Josh created an environment where many generous and talented people came, and continue to come together, to share their gifts with kids who may not have had the opportunity to have fun after-school. It's an unlikely idea, and it works. It's an exciting program to watch. These coaches introduce the game to kids, many of whom have never heard of it, nor seen it before, and they get excited to try it themselves. They come out and throw the ball around, and have fun with their friends. They develop skills, and see themselves improving. They get into tangles with their teammates, and with great coaches all around them, figure out how to solve the tangles, and their friendships grow. They work on their team skills, not a strong suit for 11-14 year olds, and grow to trust one another.

They travel together to places they've never been, some across the Golden Gate Bridge for the first time in their lives, even though it's only 20 minutes away from where they live. They go to places they've never been invited to, are welcomed, challenged, and cheered. Last year the program brought the team to University of California at Berkeley, to spend the day, going to classes with members of the Cal Lax team, and then watching a game in the evening, in the big stadium, under the lights. This becomes part of their world, and these kids imagine themselves going to college, maybe here, or maybe at Cal State Monterey, where some of the boys went to overnight summer camp, funded by Lacrosse for L.I.F.E.

This year a Palega Bulldog player, who started with Josh 4 years ago as a 5th grader, was selected as a NorCal All Star player for the under-15 tournament and flew to Colorado to participate. Others went to Binghamton, New York to play on a BRIDGE Lacrosse Team, with players from Florida, Black LAX in DC, Brooklyn, and Native Lacrosse. This was the first opportunity to be on an airplane, and they were going to share their skills and talents, and develop their independence. These are opportunities that some might take for granted. But Josh did not take these opportunities for granted; he worked had to make them exist, and for that, I thank him, and gain strength, and resolve. If you see injustice in the world, and you want to make a difference, take action, right where you live. Share your talents, time and gifts. Expect the best from those around you, and settle for nothing less. In memory of Josh Miller.
Lucy Irwin
Sept 15 , 2005

We continue to think of our dear friends Ed and Sherry Miller and their beloved son Josh. It will be three months next week since the shocking news reached everyone, and all our Bel Air friends still keep you all in our thoughts and prayers. We only hope that the Lacrosse program that Josh started with a couple of friends will live on and grow in his absence. As we all heard at the memorial service in Oxford, Josh was an incredibly brilliant and talented man and his loss in almost intolerable for those closest to him.

However, he has made a huge contribution to society in his short life and those who knew him as a child or teenager or adult can testify to that fact. We are proud to have known him and his parents and hope to continue to know his works through the lacrosse that he so dearly loved. If there is anything that we can do to help ease the loss, please know we are there for you and will be there in a heartbeat. When you are able to, please come to Bel Air again so we can be with you in person as well as thought.
Much love,
Coleen and Tom Marshall
Sept 8 , 2005

Thoughts and prayers to Sherry and Ed in this difficult time.
Mason Ray & The Ray Family
Sept 2 , 2005

Keeping Josh in my heart,
Liz
Aug 30, 2005

I'll really miss you buddy.
lots of love

Caitlinxo
Aug 11, 2005

love,
FF
Aug 10, 2005

Friday night: I wrote and read. That's it, just wrote and read. I'm reading a book now about a Jewish Iranian woman and how she came to live in NYC, it's called "Journey from the Land of No"; ooh - what would you say to that? It's not Fitzgerald but I'm sure we could talk a lot about the socioeconomicpolitical ramifications of such a story...

Saturday: making a program and planning the local memorial for you - I did NOT think I was signing up for _this_ when we said we'd be friends "always" - I guess this falls under the category of "no matter what"? When I was filling in the email addresses, I was thinking about how many people are in that email group now, and when I came to your name in my address book, I added it without thinking as I always would to keep you posted...

Saturday night: I wrote thank you notes to people who have been so generous in remembering you. I did this while watching "Coach Carter" which I know ticked you off, but I did it anyway. (I like to do other things while watching a movie, and you like to do absolutely nothing else while watching a movie, except, maybe, sleep. "Ahem." you would say. "Do you have to do that NOW?") They may as well have called that movie "Coach Miller"; I think the team next year should see it.

Today: I am looking for any photo, anything you've said or written to share with the boys; how are they going to go through this when I don't know if I can? I know that they will treasure the letters you wrote to them after their first lacrosse season. You wrote each kid, even the ones who were pains in the butt, a letter about how you had seen them grow during the season. You told them what to work on over the summer at camp. You told them and their parents you were proud of them for all their hard work and for trying something different and not caring what their friends thought...I think I'll remind them of that, that you were always so proud of them...that every time we spoke, you would drill me about what they were all up to...I would give you the run-down of each kid and tell you about all the new ones, too; how you thought it was "awesome" that we had girls on the team this year. That was probably a tough one for you, but since you don't consider the girls' game actually lacrosse, girls may as well play the 'right' game, huh? Snot.

Andy's up at the Tahoe tournie this weekend - he has so many interesting stories from the last few weeks - I'll let him tell them to you...

miss you, miss you, miss you...
j.
July 31, 2005

I won't ever forget the intensity of the question, played out in the locked-in stare and unwavering gravity of his voice. "Are you going to take this seriously - are you going to be committed to this effort?" I wasn't totally sure how to take it; we hadn't seen or spoken to one another for 10+ years, when we were high school lacrosse teammates. Now, sitting on a bar stool off Union Street in San Francisco, he's grilling me about my dedication to a volunteer position - shoot, I thought I was helping him out! Yet that question set the precedent for the task at hand, and was my first witness to Josh's unflinching determination. There would be no short-changing, this task required commitment from everyone, and one weak link could torpedo the whole effort. Nah, I wasn't helping anyone out - this was a privilege, the opportunity to reap the benefits of all the grunt work that Andy, Johanna and Josh had sown, and to share this privilege with the kids whose on-field grunt work would carry the effort forward.

Over the next year, I was witness to this same scene being played out many more times; Josh questioning the dedication and commitment of one player, or all the players - gauging if they indeed were committed to making the Bulldogs work. Josh knew that to create something, to make something out of nothing, requires that level and nothing short. Ultimately, the players came to understand that steadfast commitment to a goal, always brings success, though the short term hurdles may be rough. Like our first road trip out to Marin for a Play Day with seven other teams - after getting our tails handed to us, there was time to mope and get down. Instead the team rallied with energy and enthusiasm in the weeks ahead, and it became clear that this group had answered Josh; and that yes, they were committed.

The players know how fortunate they are, to have been on the receiving end of dedication that ran so deep. And I think Josh, in turn, always understood how fortunate he was, to have the attention of this group of willing and able young men. Like the players, I benefited from Josh's determination and the commitment that he required of each of us; and we'll all honor his memory be committing ourselves to the efforts that we take on. Miss you Josh.

Ethan Ewing
July 31, 2005

Dear Josh, you do not know me ... we never met but, I want to express my gratitude to you. My son was one of the lucky ones to have called you "coach" at Loyola Marymount University. He spent many hours with you at lacrosse practice and, as I understand it, many more hours after practice just "shooting around" and talking. He honed his lax skills during this time, but you also showed him something more--by example, you showed him how to live a life of honesty, integrity and "giving back". I know my son, like you, possesses these qualities, but, in life, there is always room for one more good coach. Thank you, Josh, for being that coach. You do not know me, we never met, but you will forever be in my heart.
Trudi Wiley
July 30, 2005

"A leader leads by example
Whether he intends to or not"
Anonymous

I am struck with awe at the comments by his friends ... it magnifies the impact he had on all those who felt lucky enough to call him friend; and even others who might have only had a passing acquaintance ... still he made a huge difference in their lives and will continue to do so.

I cried with recognition reading the thoughts and feelings expressed by Josh's Mom and Dad. It is the "neverness" that challenges our spirits. I join you in this burden of sorrow and offer you praise in your courage to honor him by adopting Lacrosse For Life. It is a wonderful gift he passes on to you. I hope that peace settles into your hearts.
Eileen
July 28, 2005

It's after dinner time; the fog is billowing across my window...the wind is whistling through the vents in my ceiling; you always loved that sound, and you never believed it was 10 degrees colder only 2 miles away when I would come over to the Mission wearing a sweater and you'd have shorts on...

Say hey to Dominic and Tim (I'm glad you have each other); have you guys found a good run yet? Oh yeah, and how's the No Smoking thing going? Do me a favor and be the GOOD angel on Andy's shoulder this week, will you? Hugs and more, J.
July 26, 2005

If you could come back and see me I would have many pages ready for you, and I would let you have your way...If you wanted to fight I would say let's fight!

P.... F.....
July 19, 2005

A
July 18, 2005

Send me some sunlight, will you?

Miss you much,

j.
July 17, 2005

How different Josh was. He taught me so much.He lived what he taught others. The lesson was that you have to live in a way that gives meaning to your life. Without that, you are like a Tiger that has left the mountain and gone to the lowland--he will be caught and killed by humans. Life must become a context for the activity and world that you believe in.

OH, He will be so missed. I have no words to convey my sadness in losing Josh. Must I never again hear that laugh and see that smile.But I will remember I give thanks for his life--short though it was, filled with inner struggle.And I know that to those who have received much--much will be demanded.That is the price..Dark times have come to me now-------but courage will be demanded......I do it for him and because of him.
Much love,
cocoon
July 11, 2005

I am saddened and shocked by the passing away of Josh Miller. I am sure you guys are trying hard to get over the suffering but the pain will linger for sure. I know Josh was incredible in his role of co-founding Lacrosse for Life. Losing someone like him is almost like losing family.

I send you both as well as Josh's family and friends condolences from all of us here at Doc's NYC Youth Lacrosse/CityLax. Please let us know if there is anything we can do to help you through this.

Best,
Mat Levine
Doc's NYC Youth Lacrosse/CityLax/NYC Empire Lacrosse
July 6, 2005

Ed and Sherry Miller

"We will not try to hide or walk around it. We will walk through the center of our sorrow-and we will emerge proud and strong." unknown
July 5, 2005

Jody Martin
Men's Division Director
US Lacrosse
June 22, 2005

We have the distinct privilege of having worked closely with Josh over the last several years in the creation and development of Lacrosse for LIFE. Josh showed tireless determination and perseverance in his efforts to bring lacrosse and all that it offers to underprivileged youth in San Francisco. Josh made great personal sacrifices to afford the opportunity of lacrosse and character development to children he had never met.

Many times when we have faced obstacles, Josh has reminded us that “one kid” is always worth the effort. We would never have had the pleasure of working with so many great kids and their families if Josh had allowed his idea to use lacrosse to work with at-risk young people to remain a dream. His enthusiasm and energy for the personal well-being of our kids was tremendous.

Josh always said that lacrosse was not life – he wanted all the kids who come through our program to have lacrosse be a positive part of their maturing and future. We are committed to honoring his remarkable legacy and thank him for all he has taught us.

Andy McDonald

Johanna Thomashefski
June 22, 2005